Hi, my name is Jada and I have GAD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Most people are very surprised, at least I think so when I say I suffer from anxiety. I can easily put on a happy outgoing bubbly hyperactive love to have attention loud full of life face and attitude. It sounds like a lot of work, but it isn't. Honestly, its the real me, but anxiety and all the ways it manifest itself is a very powerful thing that can easily bury somebody in a hole so deep that nobody may never even know about and it seems no way out. Hopeless and a "lost cause"   Most people who struggle with anxiety are ashamed, therefore keeping it quiet and to themselves. They bury it with all the other junk, piling this and that and pushing it down so very deep into a dark place.  

Now, I know this is kindergarten stuff, but just let me kinda feel like I'm making a good point.. :) If you think about it, in a dark place there is no light. Right? But if something that has light shed, shunned, whatever;)) on it then it will become visible. Even though it doesn't seem like it in the midst of the chaos, thats a good thing.  Anxiety if left in that dark place will never be confronted, never dealt with and will ultimately kill and destroy exactly as the enemy intends to do. (John 10:10) 

 I remember sooo vividly the moment anxiety took over my body. I called my husband Ryan and was bawling and just kept saying "I'm gonna die, I just feel like I'm going to die" My stomach hurt, everything was spinning, I couldn't think straight, heart was beating out of my chest, my breathing was shallow. I just knew I would pass out and never wake up. This had to be the feeling people feel right before they take their last breath and passed away. It was HORRID!!! Several dr. appts, ER visits before my doctor diagnosed me with GAD, generalized anxiety disorder. Then starts the medication horror stories (Thats a whole other blog) I don't know which one is worse, the actual disease or the medications. I did keep it quiet for a short time, but mainly because I couldn't speak a word without just losing it and bawling. Somebody would ask me how I was doing and before I would say the first syllable, it would happen... quivering lips, shamefulness, embarrassment and tears.   I was so scared and depressed. There were so many moments where I couldn't catch my breath and all the world seemed wrong and I couldn't help but wonder if He really cared....

I wish I could say I ran and threw myself on the floor and cried out desperately for His help..... Fact is I hardly cracked open my Bible thru this. I still believed in Him. I loved Him, but all I could think was "Seriously God? Me?". Hadn't my life already been flipped upside down. At that time we were currently in our 11th year of trying to conceive a child, 11 failed inseminations with no reason why, had just suffered a miscarriage, had the privilege of adopting our beautiful Micah, but before that adoption was finalized, the birth mom wanted her back so we lost her for a short period, had to 

re-surrender our baby to her in the parking lot of a freaking Walmart!!!!!!!  I mean, really,, can you say PTSD?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!?!!!!!!!! Lifetime movie material right?? And thats really just a little of my life and marriage life. I could go on, but you would go fetal and nobody has time for that..

Theres so much more to say, but I really want to post a blog that I came across earlier that just.... whew touched me. in that spot that most people can't reach. Its so good. And I know that as woman of God, this gets confusing. We hear it all the time, sunday morning at church, weekly bible study, women's retreats, worship services, podcast, books, our friends, family...We hear

-God came to give us a rich and satifisying life. John 10:10 

-God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

-We have been called to be ambassadors for Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:20

-We are more than conquerors.  Romans 8:37

-I am complete in Him. Colossians 2:10

-I am far from oppression, and fear does not come near me. Isaiah 54:14
-I am born of God, and the evil one does not touch me. 1 John 5:18

I know, Im not the brightest girl, but this seems sooooooooo far away from what life feels like. Its hard to believe these verses are for me, I mean me whose daily thoughts are soooo irrational and fear based.   There are times when its easier to believe these verses than others. I wish I could always stand on these promises and proclaim that my life is Gods and nobody can touch me. But reality is this battle I'm fighting is EVERY EVIL PILED INTO ONE- A crushing burden of imagined losses and feared for traumas. Every actual struggle seems worse, because not only do I carry todays load, I also carry tomorrows, with a thousand extra nightmares. 
I constantly remind myself that I can rest in this- God purses me no matter what, even when I'm crumbled into a ball on the floor feeling worthless, like a failure and afraid to face outside these walls.  He wants me even when I don't want Him. He is teaching me about Himself even as I resist loving him in return.  God remains. Nothing about Him has changed or will change whether there is a battle with anxiety or not. He bought me freedom at a price, a HUUGE cost and all He wants is our, MY praise and to recognize His goodness even when it doesn't seem good. 
Ok, here is the blog I came across this morning. 

Dear Sweet Mom Battling Anxiety,

Are you burdened by the overwhelming weight of worry? Do worry and fear steal the joy from your days? You might not even remember how you got here – how it crossed the line from normal cares and concerns into the demon of anxiety you live with.

It’s awful, isn’t it?

I always thought – in those times of my deepest struggles – that I’d rather face anything, truly, anything other than anxiety or depression.

It’s so, so lonely. No one gets it.

People “get it” when it’s a “real” struggle. When you’re sick, they bring you dinner. If someone dies, they write you a card.

But no one understands – even if they might want to – what it’s like to be choked by worry, the burden of imaginary traumas. How it ruins “perfect” days. How it disrupts your sleep. How it keeps on pestering you, even when you reason and argue with it.

Anxiety is every evil piled into one, a crushing burden of imagined losses and feared-for traumas. It makes every actual struggle worse, because not only do you carry today’s load,you carry tomorrow’s, with a thousand extra nightmares.

And it’s physical, too, isn’t it? Not only is your mind racing, but you probably feel sick. No appetite. Nothing tastes right. You’re constantly tired.

I know what it feels like.

I know it hops around from reason to reason, but the sickness in your stomach remains.There’s always something. Your kids one week, your health and marriage the next.

I know it feels hopeless.

It’s not.

Remember those sunny, peaceful days of a few years ago? They’ll come again.

I know you feel like a failure.

You’re not.

Remember all those things you accomplished, back when you “had it all together”? You’ll do them again. I promise.

I know it seems like everyone’s disappointed in you, or mad at you, or judging you. They’re not. They don’t think of you nearly as much as you imagine, and when they do, they just love you. They want to help.

I know it seems like God isn’t here. Like He isn’t helping.

I felt that way, too. I’ve spent many nights crumpled on the floor, soggy toilet paper for tissues, wondering what had become of my life, begging God to intervene.

I know you want that, too. Dear sweet mom, I hurt for you.

But there is hope. And it will come soon.

It might come for you like it came for me. It might be a kind, fatherly doctor, who instead of telling you you’re dying of all the horrible things you think you have, will diagnose you with anxiety. You might be just as embarrassed as I am.

But it all might help.

It might come like a smiling, warm counselor, who listens, and reminds you that everyone has something. That God will use even this for your good.

It might come like a fresh wind of change in your life – a new friendship, a new move, a new hobby or pastime you’re really good at.

Hang in there, sweet friend. Find someone who loves you dearly, with a wise heart. Listen to his or her words.

Don’t argue, don’t whine, don’t make excuses. Hear what they’re saying, and beg the Lord for the strength to implement their wisdom. And if you’ve done all that and it still feels hopeless, hang on.

The Lord is mighty to save. He will quiet you with his love…Though weeping may remain for a night, joy comes in the morning. (Zephaniah, Lamentations)

Dear Father, I pray for those today battling the lonely sickness of the mind. Pierce the darkness with your truth. Come quickly to save. Use all of this for your glory, and our good. You are our Loving Father, and we look to you for our joy and peace. Restore what’s broken.

Amen.

Jessica

Happy Birthday Ryan

so cute, huh?

38 years ago, God brought this little boy into the world. Well, not really little, he was over 10 pounds and almost 24" long, pretty much a 3 month old right out of the womb.

Ryan Chad Black was special:) The stories I have heard prove that God thinks very highly of my mother in law and that she was capable of such a child. HA! Most moms get together and tell stories of their children and they are often something like this "oh my child peed their pants right in the middle of the store" or "my child got in trouble at daycare because he pinched another little boy" or "ohhh my little one stuck a marble up his nose", which all of these were done by Ryan too,, but he was always pushing it, seeing how much more he could do. So, my mother in law got to tell stories go like this...

At the young age of 3, Ryan fell out of a 2 story building with no injuries whatsoever, not even a scratch.   He also climbed a tall tree and couldn't get down, his mom having no idea how he even did it..  Also around this age, his younger brother came along. (I"m sorry Richie) Mom had to hide Richie from Ryan because he was very "loving" and thought it was okay to give gum to him when he was only a few months old. Awwwww, Ryan has always been a giver. :)

When Ryan was 4, yes ONLY 4. He lived in a small, tiny town outside of Union Center, South Dakota. He wanted to go to the store that was 3 miles away, nobody was available to take him so he decided with all that 4 year old wisdom that he would walk himself ON THE HIGHWAY to this tiny store. While on his way, a car full of drunken native Americans (I'm quoting mom's exact words) picked him up and gave him a ride. Because the town was so tiny, the clerk working in the store recognized little 4 year old Ryan and long story short, he was returned home safely:)) TRUE STORY....  

Sometime around the age of 6, he jumped off the kitchen counter  and didn't quite clear it,  so now he's falling with tongue hanging out (He so does this now when he's concentrating) and falls on floor biting his tongue almost off.  He went on to bigger things then, like killing his first animal, an innocent rabbit:( He started racing BMX bikes, he caught snakes that should never have been caught. At the age of 8, he somehow inquired a pet hawk which is really cool.. What little boy wouldn't die to have a pet Hawk.. Forget goldfish, or little hamsters... A HAWK!!!!  and last and rather disturbing...... He was 9 and apparently he seen a bullet and a hammer on the table. Scared yet?????? Well,  remember his younger brother Richie who he repeatedly gave gum too as an infant???????? Yep, he was involved.:(  Ryan thought it would be cool to hit the bullet with the hammer, which sent the bullet flying into Richie's leg which resulted in a hospital trip and stitches and years of counseling for the whole family at this point... JK on the therapy part.. I think..:) I think Richie got stitches a few more times as a result of Ryan's actions and all this happened only in the first 9 years of life. There you go to the people with out kids... FREE BIRTH CONTROL FOR ALL:) 

This little boy has grown into quite the man.  I knew from the moment I met him that he would be an incredible father.  And he has far exceeded the word incredible. I fall in love with Ryan more and more when I see him with our daughters. 

He has loved me unconditionally and loved me through a lot of very ugly times, seasons of life where I was very unloveable and didn't deserve his love. He has held me, wiped away my tears, spoken truth into my heart and believed in me.  This man makes me laugh like nobody else can. He tells the cheesiest jokes that I act like annoy me, but really they make my heart flutter once again for him, his re-enactment of massages that we receive at the cheap reflexology places will put me into an asthma attack almost:), his fake smoker laugh is hilarious. He's quite proud of that one.:) I could type for days why and what I love about this man, but I' taking him out on a date tonight and got to get dolled up:) Ryan, I love you and considered myself so blessed to have you by my side as we do life. Happy Birthday my love. 143!!

Let me catch you up

Ok, see this whole blogging thing drives me cray cray. I just spent 45 minutes trying to figure out my password,,grrrrrr and as I'm typing this I realize this font does'nt match the font in the rest of my blogs!!!!! I could spend 2 hours trying to figure that out, but I'm not gonna!!!!:)) I like to keep you in suspense over what font i'm gonna use next.:)
Whew, so its been almost a year since I last posted. Holy Cow!!! Not sure where to pick up.. Will try to sum up the last year quickly..

1. We moved back to Elk Grove from Land Park. miss our cute little unique quirky house there and especially our neighbors. They were hands down the best!!!!!
2. Started Acting Classes at Studio 24, something I have wanted to do my whole life and so glad I did.. I gained so much knowledge from my coaches and classmates!! CAN'T WAIT to get back this fall/winter!
3. Ryan and I were led to the most incredible counselor. God used this woman in mighty ways in our lives, but especially mine.. (more to come on that later)
4. We started the adoption/foster care process for little sister.
5. 3 days after we learn that we are now in "child wait mode", we find out we are pregnant!!!:)
6. We find out we are pregnant with a little girl. My heart is overflowing. Skylar Amari Black
7. Significant financial blessings happened in April.

Hey I ended on number 7.. thats a good number right?:) however 8 would have been really cool, cause it was my volleyball jersey number and is now my favorite number,,,, but i remember one day when the  number 12 became........... ok wow see what pregnany has done to me... cray cray over favorite numbers!!!!!!!!
Well, this blog is just to get me back in the swing of things. My wonderful husband has now delievered a chocolate doughnut and some oj to me and its starring at me. I must not keep it waiting.
Seriously though, my heart is overwhelmed with God's faithfulness, strength, faithfulness, oh wait i said that already huh.. thats ok,,, his faithfulness can't be praised enough.. His goodness has been overwhelming!!!! He has met all our needs and even our wants, some silly and some really big significant ones. Feeling amazed beyond measure of our God tonight.

I'm baaaaaaack

Oh father, did I fall off the blogger world for a good year?????????? Whew and what a challenging year it has been. Few words to describe it would be.... challenging (duh, I just said that huh), depressing, lonely, angry, confused, lost, desperate, empty, broken, isolating, shackled those are just a few, but wait there are MORE.... free, forgiveness, honesty, breakthroughs, clarity, new friendships that I'll cherish forever. Crazy how all these things occur in one year, huh? It's okay though. We are still trusting God to restore all those years the messy and ugly things have stolen from our family!!!! God is good no matter what.
 Anyhow, I'm back and ready to get my blog on.

We are gonna start fresh, not today, but tomorrow. k? k! xox

What 5?!?!!??!??!?!

Hard to believe this sweet baby is going to be 5 years old in a few weeks.  A mother's love is simply beyond words. This love can only be from God above. I feel sooo blessed to be her mommy and watching her grow into a beautiful fun passionate little lady is a dream.   

 God definitely went over and above when he gave me Micah.  xox

Don't Run

Read chapter 2 this morning and this stuck out to me. "When it becomes apparent your dreams are not coming true and you feel you've been stripped of everything, this is notice to run.  It's not time to take things into your own hands.  It's definitely not the time to turn your back on God.  This is when you need God more than ever before.  Don't run. lean on Him!"  It's nothing I haven't heard before, but reading it today was like the 1st time i've ever heard it!

So today I am giving up my running shoes!

Daddy on the orange, me on the pink and Micah on the harmonica!!!

This is how we spent our Monday night:)