"Your the devil"

I have one brother, Derrick and we are 22 months apart. He's older:) We were not together every day growing up because he lived with our precious Grandpa and Grandma and I went back and forth from their house to my mom and step dad's place. Big mistake, HUGE mistake on my part I must say:)
 I have absolutely admired and adored my brother since I can remember.  I never ever wanted to be apart from him. He made me feel safe, he kept me cracking up all the time, he protected me when strange men at amusement parks tried to pick me up:) played the weirdest foot game with me which he probably does'nt remember:), and he urged my now husband to make a move the minute after I ended another relationship!!!!!!! ohhhh and I can't forget all the time spent in the backyard playing cowboys and indians or cop and robber,, ohhhhhhhhh or the time when he wanted to tie me up around the tree and I did'nt want to be tied to the tree, so he threw his rifle at me, straight on the right side of my forehead. Aww I remember that day well, Grandma came running out with her good ole house shoe:) sat me on the couch with a rag to soak up all the blood. and while laying there in pain, I heard my brother get the worst spanking of his life!!!!!!!!!! So, i laid there applying pressure on the wound and just smiled:)))
If you know me well, u know that I am pretty much obsessed with him. I once asked him, "Derrick, if I was'nt your sister, would u want to marry me?????" " cause I would totally want to marry you".... I'm still waiting for an answer actually:)))))
  I am so overwhelmed with emotions when I think of my brother and our life together as 2 kids who did'nt have the whole mom and dad thing going for us. My brother probably without knowing absolutely filled the many empty parts in my heart in so many ways. He's so much more than a brother to me. Besides my husband of course, I can with all my heart say he is my best friend, he's that "no matter what" person. No matter what happens, no matter what I've done, no matter what is done, no matter how unfair and ugly things are he never sways, He is always strong and confident, encouraging, supportive, understanding, compassionate, accepting and an incredible man of God-he is always there.
Tomorrow, he and his wife Vanessa will be welcoming their first baby, Jamisen into this beautiful world. My heart is ready to burst for them because I know what is in store for them. They have so much love and laughter to give, Jamisen is one blessed little girl to get to grow up with my brother as her Daddy!!!!!!!

Derrick- There are not many days that go by that I don't think of you, miss you, miss your big butt dancing,  miss laughing with you. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have a brother like you and I just want you to know I love you and wish nothing but God's best on you this new year.
xox

I was 14 months and Derrick was 3 years old...

Look at him placing his hand on my cheek and givin me kisses:)))) March 1979

Sept. 1979.. I was 20 months and Derrick was almost 3 and a half.. again he wanted to hold my hand:))

me, Derrick, Janae and Blake with our Uncle Larry... This face is totally my brother's laugh still today!!

Easter of 1982,, I think.... hahha I get this face more NOW as an adult when I say something inappropriately:))))

and I don't expect anybody else to think this is funny, but one of my best memories was seeing this skit with Derrick and we both thought it was soooooooo funny... and just laughed forever....and this was where we started saying "your the devil"

http://s190.photobucket.com/albums/z1/sambazz07/?action=view&current=SNL-PhillipTheHyper-HypoKid-MikeMye.flv

What a wonderful world

Our family is blessed to have the opportunity whenever we want, well most of the time anyway to go to Oregon and stay in Uncle Wayne and Aunt Judy's cabin.  We don't go often enough, but every vacation spent there is fabulous. There is no radio, no tv,  and sometimes you can get a signal on your phone for a few seconds. The nearest smallest little grocery store where they have one of everything which "everything" to them is not much :))) is about 45 miles away.... it's just splendid silence all around and there are no city lights to block the hundreds of stars!  It's breathtaking! The cabin sits on about 300 acres (I think) :) and a huge pond sits to the side of the cabin. This last trip in November of 2009, the pond and the little creatures inside it became quite popular with the adults, not just the kids anymore. The kids since the first time we ever visited would spend days catching salamanders, fill their buckets up with water and take care and play with them... They are cute little things. It's a sad last day when we all have to say goodbye and the kids release them back to their home, the pond. 
WELL, this year was a little different. While the kids were trying to rescue the salamanders, we (the adults:) were shooting at them. We had a 12 gauge shotgun, a 22 caliber and a couple of glocks!!!! Richie, Ray and Ryan were yelling "Pull"  as salamanders are being thrown in the air and Ray just nailing them... Way to go Ray!!!!!!! :)     

Misty, Danette and I both became pretty excited about the whole gun thing too,  finger on the trigger ready to go, zoning in on the pond just waiting for a glimpse of one to come to surface and then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If u are reading this and thinking,,, omg how cruel.. well just remember the last time u stepped on a spider, or caught a fish and took it home and knifed it to death, or u swatted that annoying little fly, or slapped the mosquito on your shoulder,, i could go on for a while:))))))))))))) Whew, i'm sorry that was the midwest talking:))     

Danette shootin on tin cans..

Let me warn u! First shot and this is what happened.............

:))))) I can't help my talent!   

 Here is a video of me shooting the 12 gauge which about knocked me off my feet!!!!!  facebook.com/video/video.php?v=

Overall, our days there are so relaxing, alot of bonding time and before we leave, we usually are making plans to already come back. Looks like May of 2010, hopefull we will be going back!!

                            

Dutch Bros, Coffee.. Its the best!!!

Shore Acres. Breathtaking!

Girls getting ready to hit the trails!!! There is always a fun story to tell after we are done:)

little salamanders in a temporary home...:)

alot of coloring happens while at the cabin

Noah got an early Christmas gift while there! and here he is in action!!

and who does'nt love a bonfire and roasted marshmallows????? :)

Ryan while taking care of sick me on Sunday and put together this video of this trip. It's a beautiful reminder of our time there and the love in our family!!!

Tv guide of the day

UGK. the bug has hit me HARD.. Not sure if its bronchitis or what,, we'll see the dr. tomorrow. So, its 9:07, my pj's are still on, my hair looks like a bird nest and my makeup from last night (cause that's when it hit) looks disturbing:) Micah has a little cold too, so Ryan got to play Dr. Hottie and our own personal slave:))) Our Tv time was interesting today,, very interesting.....

I watched 20 minutes and Ryan just was'nt having it :(

Love the Olympics, but I can only watch people scoot, ski and race on white stuff for a short amount of time.;)

This man IS insane!!!!!

LOVE LOVE LOVE these kids, Ryan does'nt laugh out loud unless its really really funny and even he was laughing... Micah knew everybody's name and I have no idea where she learned that, it's our first time watching it:) I'm curious though, where are Carly's mom and dad?????? just wondering:)

Was able to sneak in an episode of one of my fav's while hubby went and got us lunch... 

Makes me want to work in a toy store full of color and live zebras walking around:)

Repeats... love them.. Taking down one drug lord at a time:) This is how we closed our night,, well my night anyway:) Theraflu is about to kick in:) night. xox

Rehab created for me by me

Time to be a little transparent and vulnerable.......ugk here it goes.......

April 2009-   I remember the first day it all started. Micah was down for a nap, I flipped on the tv and just wanted to relax on the couch. But my body was not having it! I sat there and became so restless, i felt like everything was going black, my heart was pounding, felt confused and my breathing became shallow and a deep breath was no where to be found. These helpless feelings continued for weeks and eventually started hitting me at night.  Most of the time I  felt anxious, horrified, overwhelmed, irritable, confused, exhausted, sad, depressed.. soo many emotions and I felt I had lost total complete control over my body and mind...There were a few days where I remember thinking, I'm going to die today, this feeling has to be what people feel right before they just collapse and stop breathing..... Long story short, after about  10-12 visits to my dr and an ER visit, my actual Dr. not just the Physicians assistant looked at me and when she saw me in the state of mind I was in, she knew immediately I was having panic attacks. This is where it gets yuck. So, how do they control panic attacks?? Like any other illness or disorder, their answer is medication....... I absolutly love my Dr. Vails, she was very assuring to me that I was not going crazy, that I was going to get better and this was not the end for me!   I can't say I'm 100% because most days I find myself reaching for at least one pill.  I feel much better than I did, but i feel anxiety creeping up alot still. I'm trying my best to take it to God instead of my pill bottle, but thats difficult when that evil orange bottle holds a very quick "fix" and in all honesty it's an easy fix too. So, the sick part of me says, awww yes, pop that pill and everything looks good.... but I have this person in my life called a HUSBAND and he knows alot:) He is everything I'm not, I wish I could have a little of his strength, out look on life, ability to just put one foot in front of the other and trust we will be okay....... and then I have these God sent people called FAMILY & FRIENDS...who want the very best for me and have been amazingly supportive in my good and bad moments and picked me up many many times.  I'm done with this season, I'm ready to punch anxiety and panic attacks in its throat.. (quote my good friend Cory) I'm out!!! It's time for rehab. Rehab created for me by me:) Many changes are coming with my eating habits, vitamin intake, etc.  however I believe these top 4 are crucial and will jumpstart my heart, mind and body.

1. Quiet time- God says... Draw near to Him and He will draw near to us. That's what I'm going to do, I know it's simple, but I have never clinged to God with all my strength and not let go no matter what.

2. Golds Gym- Yeah I'm back in a real gym and these trainers are no joke. It's amazing to me what a hour of cardio, whether it's kickbox, zumba, or step does for my mind. Throw pilates in there where I am focusing on correct breathing and learning body awareness and I am starting to feel alive again.


3. Dr. Lee an acupuncturist is about to become my best friend..:))) I heard about him from Samantha, owner of Blue Tangerine Spa,,, He came here from China 20+ years ago to practice and seems to be very successful. We also will discuss some herbs that can assist in my coming off medication. Very excited!!! My first appointment is Monday, I will let you know how that goes:)

4. Blue Tangerine Spa-I got this very cool opportunity to start working for this spa right after Christmas. I get to play mrs. secretary everyday and I really love it. Samantha is the owner and genuinely super sweet! I get to receive facials every 3-4 weeks,, what's NOT TO LOVE about that????? So anyhow, Samantha is being very supportive and helpful as I begin this rehab journey and offered to do some detox wraps for me. I'm a little afraid my body is about to not know what is about to hit it!!!!!

My goal is by June 1st. I would love to hear any advice from anybody who has walked this road. Also, prayers would be great too.. Just tell God, I'm the one attached to his leg holding on and not letting go:)))

one of my talks with God..

So, last wednesday I was driving back from having lunch with Ryan downtown. We had'nt even talked about Ryanblackfilms over lunch, but my mind became overwhelmed at just thinking of all there was to do, all the decisions to make,etc. I immediately took it to God out loud and every few minutes had to answer Micah questioning me "mommy, who are you talking to?" "I'm just talking to God, babydoll"... "Where is he?" she asked me.... and then I threw back my iphone to entertain her :))
 I just prayed a simple prayer to God, we want you to ultimately be glorified in every project, that we would be wise and be able to discern when to say yes and when to say no (which is not easy for Ryan)... I asked God to send clients that are professional, legit:) and would pay my husband what he's worth,, pretty much that we not be taken advantage of:)))  and asked God to give Ryan the confidence he lacks that only can come from Him. There were alot of requests going up:))
 Later, that afternoon Ryan received 3 calls for work, an advertising Firm and 2 Pastors wanting to set up meetings with Ryan to discuss business!!!!!! AND THEN a few days ago Ryan informs me an intern position has opened up underneath Phillip Bloom, director/filmmaker...........http://philipbloom.co.uk/   The intern is not a long term thing, just so u know we are'nt moving away or anything....The experience Ryan would gain from this would be just incredible and I think fuel Ryan and his talent even more!!!!  It is very safe to say Ryan is OBSESSED with this man and his work.  So, anyway, we don't know yet if its a go, but I think it's cool the opportunity is there. We'll see where it takes us.... I'm just very excited for my husband and anxious to see what God does!!!
 Romans 11:33-Message Translation---  says Everything comes from Him; Everything happens through Him; Everything ends up in Him. Always glory!! Always Praise!!
Website is in the works.. So far, here is the logo..

Goodbye cousins:(

We just said goodbye to Aunt Jackie, Adrianna, Elijah and sweet baby Elaina this morning.  They spent a good 4 weeks here so Micah pretty much had just thought they were here for good. She constantly played mommy to baby Elaina and a pretty good one too, I think, minus the part where she slightly bends down, pats her knees and "calls" elaina like she is our puppy;))) Elijah was a perfect partner in crime and seemed to just naturally fall into that title:)) and Micah found a new "best cousin"  in Adrianna.  Where Adrianna went, there was Micah choking her into a hug:) So, needless to say Micah is sad today and can't understand why they are'nt here to watch Monster or why she's having to jump off the couch all by herself:)
Of course, a house with a 6 year old, 4 year old, 3 year old and a 1 year old, there was plenty of crying, whining and not sharing!! There was alot of that, some days too much but it was fun and I loved seeing Micah have playmates and use her imagination with her cousins. I can't wait for the day when she has her own sister and brother. awwww ***sigh
While cousins from Italy were visiting, we had Ryan just shoot a few pics of the kids in their jammies. It has been a few years since we have pics  of all of them so papa and grammie are loving these.

Happy Birthday Micah

You're my life's one miracle

Everything I've done that's good

And you break my heart with tenderness

And I confess it's true

I never knew a love like this 'til you

You're the reason I was born

Now I finally know for sure

And I'm overwhelmed with happiness

So blessed to hold you close

The one that I love most

Though the future has so much for you in store

Who could ever love you more

The nearest thing to heaven

You're my angel from above

Only God creates such perfect love

When you smile AT me I cry

And to save your life I'd die

With a romance that is pure in heart

You are my dearest part

Whatever it requires

I live for your desires

Forget my own, your needs will come before

Who could ever love you more

There is nothing you could ever do

To make me stop loving you

And every breath I take

Is always for your sake

You sleep inside my dreams

And know for sure

Who could ever love you more

...Celine Dion

Surrender

I can't believe a year has passed already. It kinda feels like it was just last week. There are'nt many weeks that go by that I don't think about what the baby would have been like, wonder the crazy name we would have ended up going with, would the baby have my husband's big head, my big ears, Dear God would he or she have my laugh, or how wonderful it would have been to see Micah be the big sister??????? 

It's still hard to understand, actually somewhere along the way I just stopped questioning and asking "God, why?" He says in several different ways throughout His word, that His ways are higher than ours, He gives and He takes away.............. I have to trust Him and know He has HUGE plans for my adorable cute little family. We desperately pray that soon,, any day now God, that He would bless me and my womb!!:) and right now we just surrender our desire to the one who makes it even possible for life to exist!!!

I was reading a devotional today and I'm not even lying when I say it touched on the story of Isaac, how he was born to Abraham and Sarah who, according to natural law, they could not bear children. And the author says God did that to make this point.............. No one joins My story in his or her own Power.